Quiz: Am I In Danger of Dating More Dangerous Men?
By Sandra Brown

Give yourself 2 points for a “Yes” answer, 0 point for a “No” answer.

____          I have dated more than one dangerous man
____ **         I have dated more than three dangerous men
____ **         I have dated five or more dangerous men
____          I have broken up and gone back with a dangerous man
____ **         A dangerous man I dated would have fallen in The
                   Violent Category
____         A dangerous man I dated would have fallen in The Addicted Category
____ **         A dangerous man I dated would have fallen into a
combination of categories of Violent, Addicted, and Mentally Ill 
____          A dangerous man I dated would have fallen in The Mentally
                    Ill Category
____          I have a pattern of ignoring my Red Flags
____ **         Ignoring my Red Flags has put my at risk with dangerous
                    men
____          I don’t even know what my Red Flags are
____          Friends and family are upset over the types of dangerous
                   men I pick
____          I have dated Emotionally Unavailable men more than once
____          I don’t know what healthy relationship patterns are
____          I fluctuate between men who are Emotionally Unavailable/
Hidden Life/or Violent to men who are Permanent Clingers or Parental Seekers
____          I don’t fluctuate in the type of man I date--I keep picking
the same types of men, even though it hasn’t worked in the past
____          I grew up being taught to trust people unconditionally and                                                            
                    ignore my own feelings and intuition

____          Total Number of Points
 
Women who have 10-32 points are candidates for some professional coaching or assistance to make changes in your patterns of selection. Invest in you, your future, your safety & happiness by growing past these kinds of negative road blocks. Safe Relationships offers reasonably priced phone counseling for these types of issues. www.saferelationships.com.     

               The Dangerous Man Risk Scale
                                          (Non-clinical Scale)

In considering your own personal risk for dating dangerous men, in addition to noticing your points on the scale, you must also consider WHICH answers you answered ‘Yes’ to.  Those with an ** indicate higher risk and should raise additional concern if these were marked.

0 - 8 points          =                Lower Risk (unless you marked those
                                                  questions with an **.) 

10 - 18 points         =                Moderate Risk (unless you marked those
                                                  questions with an **. )

20 - 32 points         =                High Risk (exceptionally high risk if you
                                                  also marked those questions with an
                                                  **.) 

** Excerpted from the book ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved Workbook: A Survival Guide for Women’ (Hunter House, 2005). You may use this quiz as long as you quote as the quiz is, and use the following copy:

Sandra L. Brown, MA is the author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved Book and Workbook, and author of Counseling Victims of Violence. Safe Relationships is an organization helping women achieve relational harm reduction. www.saferelationships.com offers advice and resources for understanding the issue of dangerousness in relationships. 

.

Safe Relationships
By Sandra Brown

Dangerous men exist in all of our lives. As a woman, I recognize
this as a factor that affects all women. But as a mother, I saw a
dating future for my own daughters that was full of young dangerous
men, and as a psychotherapist who treated female victims of violent crime I saw the women who kept picking these types of
men.

As a psychopathologist I also saw the dangerous men themselves
in therapy. It is what people do not understand about pathology that puts them at risk for choosing pathological individuals to date and marry. Therefore, my goal is to make pathology understandable for the layperson so that any woman can know when a man is dangerous and pathological. I hope that focus will distinguish this book from others on violence, unhealthy relationships, and women’s issues.

How to Spot a Dangerous Man BEFORE You Get Involved
Red Flag Questionnaire
By Sandra Brown

Some red flags are undeniable truths that your body is responding to--
whether you realize it or not. Many of these are universal Red Flags that
women everywhere respond to when in the presence of a Dangerous Man.
The wise woman will take this questionnaire to see how many Red Flags she is
having in her relationship. It is also wise to memorize and UTILIZE these
signs as an opportunity to reexamine the relationship or get help exiting the relationship.

Check all that apply or even remotely apply. Tell yourself the truth about this relationship.

__ You feel uncomfortable about something said or done and the feeling remains
__ You feel mad, scared, or he reminds you of someone else with a serious problem
__ You wish he would go away, you want to cry, you want to run away from him
__ You dread his phone call
__ You are often bored with him
__ You think no one else in his life understands him
__ You think no one else in his life has ever really loved him/helped him
__ You think you are the only one who can help/love/understand him
__ You have the urge to “love him into emotional wellness” if that were possible
__ You think/wish you can help him “change” or “fix” his life
__ You let him borrow money from you or your friends
__ You feel bad about yourself when you are around him
__ You only fee good about yourself when you are with him
__ You find your identity in your relationship with him
__ You feel he wants too much from you
__ You are emotionally tired from him and feel he “sucks the life out of you”
__ Your value system and his are very different and it is frequently becoming problematic
__ Your past and his are very different and there is conflict over it
__ You tell friends you are “unsure about the relationship”
__ You feel isolated from other relationships
__ You think he’s too charming or a little “too good to be true”
__ You feel in the wrong because he is always right and goes to great lengths to show you he is right
__ You are uncomfortable because he continually says he knows what is best for you
__ You notice he needs you too frequently, too much, or too intensely
__ You wonder if he really understands you or just claims to
__ You are uncomfortable because of inappropriate or too rapid touching of you
__ You notice his rapid disclosure of his past, relationships, or emotional pain
__ You sense he is pushing too fast for your emotional connection
__ He wants you to disclose rapidly too
__ Although you don’t believe it, he claims immediate connection with you (false intimacy)
__ You see him pushing too fast for sexual connection with you and you are becoming
willing to not set sexual boundaries with him
__ You see him as a chameleon and notice he can change to please whoever is in his presence
__ You hear his rapid disclosure of previously failed relationships, partners and their flaws
__ You notice he mostly talks about himself, his plans, and his future
__ You see where he spends a lot of time watching violent movies, TV, or video games and can be
preoccupied with violence, death or destruction
__ You have heard him confess current or previous drug usage/addiction
__ You have information that he confessed major relationship problems that he handled poorly
__ You remember he confessed he has been violent or uses drugs/alcohol when stressed
__ You know he has multiple children by multiple partners, is inconsistent paying child support,
rarely sees his children, and you find yourself blaming the mother of his children for his behaviors
__ You find yourself accepting him “for now” in your life even though you have plenty of red flags that
would help you terminate the relationships if you paid attention to them
__ You find you would rather be entertained in this go-nowhere relationship than be bored alone
__ You make excuses for the reason you are dating him
__ You make excuses for his character and minimize his behavior
__ Your friends/family don’t want to be around him
__ You now make excuses and don’t allow others around him because of what they think of him

Count up how many check marks you have. List it here: ___________
Where is this relationship going? Answer here: _______________________ ________________________________________________________If your answers to the above quiz have given you concern, today is a great time to learn to begin to respond to your red flags so you can weed-out those men who are not a healthy selection for you. Safe Relationships offers affordable telephone counseling for these issues at www.saferelationships.com. ** Excerpted from the book ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved Workbook: A Survival Guide for Women’ (Hunter House, 2005). You may use this quiz as long as you quote as the quiz is, and use the following copy: