What do women want?

Men ask this question all the time, even if just to themselves, because they don’t understand the women in their lives – wives, daughters, mothers, sisters…

The fact that men don’t naturally have a clue to what women want, (it has to be learned) is proof enough to debate those who say that there are no differences between men and women.

Gary Smalley of Smalley Relationship Center is one of my favorite marriage counselor/speakers. His DNA of Relationships series is fantastic. He talks openly about the differences between men and women in a transparent and humorous atmosphere, which helps men ‘get it’ and women take a deep breathe of relief!
 In his latest book, Men’s Relational Toolbox he says,

“Too often, we guys reach for the closest tool-not the right tool. It seems like a good idea at first. But then the nail refuses to budge or we refuse to look for the right tool. We treat relationships the same way, especially with the women in our lives. The problem is we reach for the tools that work well for us in our work world, but find they are often disastrous in our relationships.”

What do women want? They want to be understood. And to that end, I highly recommend his books and other resources to young couples and old, for those about to be married, and those who have been together for decades. You will laugh together and cry together, and come away understanding each other in greater ways. And women, you will come to understand your man to greater ways, too. What do men want? If you don’t know, you need to find out.

You have to work at marriage. It doesn't grow deeper automatically. Some couples can be married for years and still relate on the surface. Marriage has the capacity to be the most intimate human relationship you can experience. But like all relationships it takes work, dedication, and deliberate action. For just as sure as the sun will set at the end of the day, the 'honeymoon period,' where words and deeds and expressions of affection are so automatic, will begin to settle down and your commitment begins to be proven. Not just for fidelity, but the rest of what you vowed on your wedding day...to love, honor, cherish, in sickness and in health, for better and for worse.

If the 'honeymoon period' experience lasted forever then we would not grow in our ability to love another no matter what, 'til death do us part. (I'm not talking about abusive situations). I know this kind of talk is getting to be like a foreign language in our culture, where marriage is under attack and commitment has lost it's meaning. But does that mean we should cease to talk about it? No, just the opposite. We need to talk about what healthy relationships look like all the more.

In counseling courses we learn that feelings follow behavior. Doing a kind act, or initiating an expression of love, can make you feel good, even if there isn't the response you had in mind... if you have the right attitude. And depending on the condition of the relationship, kind acts will return to you. The question is, are you willing to prime the pump? Are you willing to initiate? If you are, here are a few simple suggestions, l for every day of the week, that you can try:

1. Leave a note telling your husband something you appreciate about him, in his briefcase, lunch bag, sock drawer, taped on his rear view mirror...

2. Do something he loves to do even if it doesn't interest you, like watching his favorite sport or type of movie on TV, or go with him bowling, fishing...

3. Take a walk together and only talk about what's on his mind. (You may have to get the ball rolling on this one).

4. Cook his favorite meal or dessert for him and serve it with a kiss.

5. Dream together: if money were no object where would you like to travel? What would you both like in your dream home? What would you like to do together to make the world a better place? What charities would you like to give huge amounts to?

6. Go for a ride in the country, or just explore a new part of town. Play his favorite music in the car. Or listen to the baseball game or news he likes...

7. Walk downtown window-shopping together, and go in the stores he shows an interest in. Watch him as he tries out the newest computer or television or tool...can you see him with new eyes?

If you aren't already doing these kinds of things I think you'll be surprised to see that you enjoy doing them yourself.

It means different things to different people.

For baseball fans it means the beginning of training for their favorite team, and the anticipation of the crack of a bat and a homerun.

For most Americans we're wondering if spring will ever really come. Where I live we had 26 out of 31 days of rain in March alone! That's a record for the San Francisco Bay Area.

For some spring fever really means hay fever...the time for allergies to come into full bloom. ugh!

For the Jews, spring finds them celebrating their time of exocus from slavery in Egypt to freedom in their own land as a people. Spring is the season they became a nation.

While Jews celebrate Passover, Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Which is the reason students get a week's break from school...even if it's no longer called Easter break.

And we can't forget what some think is a scientific phenomena...spring yearnings for romance. Whether it's scientific or not, however, 'love' seems to be in the air. Perhaps it's the delayed reaction from Cupid's February arrows. (Just kidding!) More than likely it's the freedom we feel after being cooped up with cabin fever all winter long.

At any rate, people, especially the young and single, are affected by the season. So why not a few ideas for fun dates?

There's a great little book called "The little book of Great dates" by Michael & Tiffany Ross, with ideas of dates under $20; adventure dates, "Highly Cultured" dates and more. Ideas from playing frisbee golf, to feeding the animals at a kennel, to taking a midnight hike. Or how about going to an art gallery or symphony?

If guys really want to be romantic they can do what my husband, Duane, did once. (Every Friday night is our date night, even after all these years)! But you can tell this date was a winner, because it's one that stands out in my memory. He took me to a very nice restaurant, but what was different was that he arranged everything ahead of time, from picking the table, to choosing the menu items, to having a gift waiting for me...you get the idea.

Real love not only cares, but is intentional. It is not swayed by the seasons, Spring or otherwise. It is constant, in season and out, and at times very, very romantic.

Remember, no matter how Spring affects you, the goal is not romance when it comes to relationships. The goal is genuine love. Love that still buys you flowers and brings you coffee in bed after years of marriage.